Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All
by xCharlie-Groupiex
Summary: Trey thinks back on Marissa, and how he did her wrong. Onesided TreyxMarissa. One shot, angsty abstract drabble. Please read and review!


**A/N: Trey thinking upon the reason behind his love for Marissa and how he did her wrong. I'm a RyanxMarissa fan all the way but I can't help having a soft spot for her and the big brother, too. Too bad they never got a real chance :S Enjoy!**

**Rating: Rated T for coarse language.**

**Type: Abstract, set in third person after Trey leaves Orange County on the bus.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the O.C. or any of its characters. Although I wish I did. Trey, Ryan, or Volchuck in particular =) and if I was allowed to have four, Seth tooooo!**

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He had never meant to hurt her. Of a lot of things Trey wasn't certain—he didn't know why he did half the idiotic things he did, didn't know what he wanted to be—but of two facts he was, uncharacteristically for him, strangely sure of completely. He had never meant to cause Marissa Cooper any pain. That, and that the person he wanted to be _with_? It was her.

Of course it was. Of course it was her! Nobody had ever treated Trey with as much undeserved compassion and generosity, nobody had ever thrown him a birthday party before. He had never missed anyone, not even Ryan (which was saying a lot) as much as he grieved over the loss of Marissa after they had stopped talking, after he had screwed up. It felt like a piece of him had been torn, ripped away, and that salt had been ground into the wound; his heart constantly wanted to cry.

For the longest time Trey couldn't even figure out why their emotional and now physical distance was having such an effect on him. He had known he liked her; more than he had any other girl, that much had been obvious from the start. Eventually though, logic caught up with him and he discovered it, that he was in love.

So _that _was why it hurt so much to be away from her, to know that however much he was hurting she was probably hurting ten times more, even though Trey had never been one to care about damage he caused before now. Even despite this new found knowledge (which had always been there deep down really if he was being truthful with himself) he shouldn't be _this_ depressed & heartbroken over the lack of Marissa in his life. It wasn't like their roles had been reversed, and _he _had shot _her_.

It wasn't like she had died.

Yet it felt that way, and he didn't know how to make it stop. Didn't even know if he wantedthe memories and the regrets to stop, to go away. In some absurd way, no matter how much he was killing himself with the dreams about her every other night, it felt like without a piece (even a tiny one) of Marissa to cling to Trey would no longer have the capability to go on living. If that should prove itself to be true, above all things, he was going to be extraordinarily shit out of luck.

Telling himself that he had nothing to feel guilty about was always a pathetic failure at attempting to get the picture of the girl out of his head. It never worked, just made him think about her more. Which was never pleasant but that he did daily anyway, because _honest to God _it really felt like he couldn't do without.

Trey wasn't sure why he even bothered. Not acknowledging the wrong he had done to the sweetest girl he had ever met felt like a betrayal-to say the least-even if he was the only one who was aware of that type of subject matter crossing through his thoughts. Why did he bother when inside he knew that such attempts at shifting the blame of the things that had happened between them from himself would hurt her, if she knew. When what hurt her ultimately hurt him too. Or was assuming that Marissa would care about anything to do with him just flattering himself?

So why did he do it? The attempts didn't work worth shit, and it stung that no matter the effort he put into changing the scenarios that had played out with the two of them starring, on those two fateful days, the effect was always the same. What, if at all, was the point of trying to convince himself of such lies when he knew there to be absolutely no value to them? Just thinking to back then grated on his already decomposing nerves, the recollections both sweet and bitter but the latter claiming a greater stake with its more acute, sharper edge.

Was the answer to those questions one that he should know?

Okay, all right, might as well have out with it. Who was he trying to kid? Nobody judged Trey anymore. Barely anyone took any notice of him whatsoever. Here was why, the answer to everything with no falsehoods, no holding back.

Really, he just liked the pain. The shudders, the palpitating of his gunshot wounded heart at the sound, the thought, the merest mention of her name.

_Marissa..._

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**A/N: So there it is. Let me know what you thought in a review! Hope you guys liked reading that!**

**xox Sacha**


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